Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Senate Bailout Debate Scoring Rubrick

If you've been watching or have watched the US Senate's debate on the proposed economic bailout measure, here's how to score the speakers:
• +5 for saying you saw the credit crisis coming, unless you specifically did not.

• +3 for Democrats who invoke Barack Obama's hope for politicians "coming together" to solve the problem.

• +7 for expressing anger, disgust or any other extreme emotion over being forced into voting for such a socialist measure, and then voting for it.

• +20 for Republicans who vote no.

• -10 for not mentioning oversight or taking away CEOs' "golden parachutes."

• +3 for taking the blame off the free market and putting it on greedy Wall Street insiders.

• - 2 for spending most of your speech talking about how long you were on the banking subcommittee or related legislative body.

• EVEN for blaming the other party for not passing the legislation that could have prevented this crisis.

• +3 for saying "Fannie Mae" and "Freddie Mac" at least five times in a speech.

• -3 for saying "Fannie Mac" or "Freddie Mae" at any time.

• +4 for wearing an American flag lapel pin during your speech.

• +3 for justifying going over your time limit because of "the severity of the crisis facing us."

• - 3 for not going over your time limit and diminishing the tension leading up to the vote.

• +5 for invoking the anger of "Main Street" Americans over the bailout of Wall Street.

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The once and future savage outpost for my semi-meaningful thoughts and monologues that are too long for Twitter and not good enough to be sprawled across the front page of every major metropolitan newspaper in America with 120-pt. headlines. Also, the occasional diversion via YouTube.

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Most of the great artists never live to see their work truly appreciated on a global scale... Vincent van Gogh. Johann Sebastian Bach. Keyboard Cat.

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