My 10-Point Bailout Plan

1. All executives from bailed-out investment banks will be forced to work in seafood restaurants and dress like pirates.

2. To curb excesses, employees of bailed-out institutions will now be paid according to the federal General Schedule, just like their friends at the Securities Exchange Commission.

3. Alan Greenspan will be barred from speaking publicly until he leaves this plane of existence.

4. John McCain will no longer play the POW card in regards to anything remotely related to economics. In return, Barack Obama and Democrats will stop reminding people that McCain, as late as last Monday, believed "the fundamentals of our economy are strong."

5. Presidential candidates who suspend their campaigns less than two months before the general election must forfeit all fundraising to legally restart the race. All funds raised to that point will be used to pay off campaign debts, with any surplus going to pay down the national debt.

6. Treasury Secretary Henry "Hank" Paulson will switch places with former Treasury chief Robert Rubin, putting Rubin back into politics and Paulson as head of Citigroup. Richard Rubin will continue appearing in music videos while wearing fur coats and hanging out with Vincent Gallo.

7. A group of national legislators and journalists, to be named at a later date, will take turns satisfying former President Bill Clinton's ego by asking him his opinion on everything.

8. George W. Bush will be required to have whomever wrote his Sept. 24 primetime address to the nation be his full-time speech writer from now until when either of them leaves this plane of existence.

9. David Letterman will start being funny again.

10. The FreeCreditReport.com Guy and the old Ditech.com Loan Guy will fight in a Death Match. The proceeds of the betting on said Death Match will benefit lifting Wall Street from the brink of collapse.