The broken, the beaten and the damned

OK, I know I said I was going to stick to posting election/convention news only over at Aurora Votes, but I'm just saddened by the display seen in downtown Denver today and felt that this was a far more appropriate venue to make the following point:


To the kids protesting in downtown Denver with no discernable cause, chanting "No presidents, no wars" and deliberately trying to cause traffic issues: There is no revolution. It might be cute to light a joint and scream about how we live in a police state, but where were you a week ago? A month ago? A year ago? No, you just want some media attention; unfortunately, some small amount will be given to you before everything is said and done. If you want to expand your mind and spirit, learn shame — it may make you rethink your actions.

To the other protesters with actual causes: Good for you, but make damn sure you're voting this November — otherwise, you're perpetuating a culture of revolt that is not grounded in a desire for real change, an ugly exercise in futility.

To the police officers: Good luck, be gentle.

Maybe everyone should just meditate.

Read more...

End-of-summer "vacation"

Sliced Bread will be kicking back in the pool for the next week as I divert my efforts to covering politics over on our Aurora Votes blog. That will be followed by a lengthy decontamination process to remove the stench of hippie protesters and liberal elitism (together, they're a mixture of days-old patchouli and and fresh caviar) after braving downtown Denver in the beginning, middle and end of convention week. By that, I mean I'm going to Cripple Creek to enjoy some mountain air and maybe find a poker table.

Check out Aurora Votes throughout the weekend as we occasional provide updates from Denver and our own brand of political analysis. I'll be updating you on the big blogger and VIP gathering at Elitch Gardens on Saturday evening -- assuming the rich, delectable catering doesn't send me to bed early with a full stomach.

Until then, the Dude abides.

Read more...

Leave the gold, take the cannoli

How much stock should we put in the times being posted by Olympic swimmers during this summer's Beijing Games? Everyone and their mothers* are tearing down Olympic and world-best marks left and right.
The balls are juiced.... er, the pool is juiced.
I'm not one to question the authority of an NBC swimming commentator, but I'm pretty sure that there's either something funny in the water in Beijing (Anyone for a dip in the Yangtze?**), or the pool is juiced.
The stories about the Water Cube all point to the later: Wave dissipation, less turbulence, more speed.
They say all the major Olympic-sized pools used for world competition have this kind of technology available to them, but do they actually have it?
Let's, for a moment, just put aside the fake fireworks, the fake singer and the indifference toward the age rules for the women's gymnastics squad on the part of China. This is about the biggest story of the Games: Michael Phelps and his quest for eternal glory... err, beating the Mark Spitz mark of seven golds in a single Olympiad.
I'm not doubting Phelps is an absolute beast in the water, but at this point, the level of expectation is not just to win eight gold medals in Beijing, but to also shatter the world record each and every time he's in the pool. God help him if he doesn't do it in the 100-meter butterfly and the 4-by-100-meter medley relay this weekend.
If he does or doesn't, may I propose: The records set at Beijing get the asterisk treatment until someone shows the marks can be bested outside of the Water Cube.

* - Just kidding; I'm only referring to Dara Torres.
** - I know the Yangtze doesn't go through Beijing; don't downgrade me on geography, I just don't think the average person can't relate to any geographical/historical features in China beyond the Great Wall, the Yangtze, the Forbidden City and the Terracotta Army of Qin Shi Huang.

ALSO: Here's a heightened expectation for the entire country -- the U.S. contingent cannot consider themselves the medal winners just based on total medals. They need more gold than China. As of Friday morning, China is annihilating everyone else in the race for golds with 26; the next three countries combined (USA, Germany and Japan) have 28, with the USA totaling only 14 at this time. Like Ricky Bobby's daddy told him, "You're either first or you're last."

Read more...

CU Regent race shake-up

According to a tip from an Aurora legislator, the race for the 7th Congressional District’s seat on the University of Colorado Board of Regents has a new face.
Monisha Merchant, previously a candidate to replace current state Rep. Karen Middleton on the state Board of Education, is stepping into the race after Denver attorney Patrick Mulligan ended his campaign due to “unforeseen circumstances.”
The info on the newcomer: Merchant, 31, of Lakewood, currently works as director of product development at Level 3 Communications in Broomfield. She also has been selected as a delegate for the upcoming Democratic National Convention. Both Monisha, and her mother Mona, previously lent their time and support to US Senator Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign.
Calls to Merchant on Wednesday evening for comment have, as yet, gone unreturned.

Read more...

"Thomas Snot": 1951 - 2008

I hate for this blog to grow on this theme, but another death to report: Joe "Snot" Kudla (on the right) died Monday, Aug. 10. Kudla was half of the comedic duo of Puke n' Snot which performed together for more than 30 years across the country, most notably and recently at the Colorado Renaissance Festival.
Now, I've never been the kind to be absolutely ga-ga for Ren Faires in general; they're mostly a proving ground for terrible anachronisms, and even then I often find the Renaissance to be the middle child of history (I'll admit, I'm a Roman and modern American history geek). What the hell is that guy doing dressed as Capt. Jack Sparrow from "Pirates of the Caribbean"? Why are there so many skinny guys trying to dress up like Henry VIII? Why do all these women feel the need to show more of their cleavage than ever before seen under the sun?
That bit of begrudgery behind us, Puke n' Snot were a marvelous comedic team -- some of the best ribald ribbing I've seen this side of the Mississippi. Between them and the copious amounts of grilled and smoked meats you can get on a stick, I had few other reasons to like the Renaissance Festival -- OK, the location at Larkspur is quite idyllic, too.

Read more...

Isaac Hayes: 1942 - 2008

The song is "Soulsville," because you already knew "Theme from 'Shaft,'" and you likely know Chef from "South Park." This is the Hayes you should remember just as well.

Read more...

Bernie Mac: 1957 - 2008

*WARNING: Nasty language from the Mac Man.*

Read more...

Take that, Becks

Everything is right with the world now.
As stupid as Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers front office looked through the long ordeal of Favre's un-retirement, the best possible solution was worked out late Wednesday night when Favre was traded to the New York Jets for a conditional 2009 draft pick.
Why am I so pleased with this outcome? The reasons are quite simple:

• It finally gives Aaron Rodgers the shot he deserves at showing he's a quality NFL starting quarterback. Look no further than Tony Romo to see that the bench guy today is the future of your franchise.
• Brett Favre gets to play football, lest his ego go unsatisfied while waiting for the key grip or prop master grill him for autographs while doing another Wrangler commercial.
• Wisconsin gets to sober up and realize there's life after Brett.
• New York tabloids get to throw around funny headlines like "Jet Favre."
• NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell can go back to suspending minorities at the drop of a hat and ignoring the fact that the Adam Formerly Known As Pacman has served his year off and still hasn't received reinstatement.
• America sticks it to Britain once again.
  

Wait.... what?
That's right, Favre to New York is a slap in the face to footballer extraordinaire David Beckham. Remember how big a deal it was that Becks and his Spicewife Victoria were coming to America for him to kick around a ball in soccer-sized stadiums across the country? The Favre drama easily eclipses it.

Let's examine:

• Beckham went to LA. Favre went to New York. ADVANTAGE: FAVRE
• Beckham has no World Cup wins. Favre has a Super Bowl win. ADVANTAGE: FAVRE
• Beckham was washed-up upon going to Hollywood. Favre is washed-up upon going to the Big Apple. ADVANTAGE: FAVRE (Beckham was washed up at 32; Favre is 38)
• Beckham is married to Posh Spice. Favre is not. ADVANTAGE: FAVRE
• Favre is on the cover of Madden 09. John Madden doesn't even know what soccer is, let alone who this bloke Beckham is. ADVANTAGE: FAVRE
• People expect Beckham to win. People expect Favre to find a quality nursing home in the next few years. ADVANTAGE: FAVRE
• Favre now faces off against Tom Brady twice each year. Beckham gets his mani/pedicures at the same salon as Tom Brady. ADVANTAGE: FAVRE

Read more...

The sins of the son

How is anyone supposed to pick a decent political candidate these days? The flip-flopping done by John McCain and Barack Obama are enough to drive a man to vote Libertarian, or worse: Ralph Nader.
With fewer discernible differences between the candidates these days, I have devised an easy way to decide who to vote for: Whose kid has the classiest social networking profile.
This comes upon news that US Senate candidate Bob Schaffer (R-Colo.) is being harangued because his son, Justin Schaffer, posted some images on his Facebook profile that most people who don't use Facebook would find offensive.
That is to say, Justin Schaffer — a college student — did what most college students (and young adults) do these days: Outfit their online presence with bits of humor that are geared toward young adults. The risqué, bawdy and ribald are all fair game on MySpace, Facebook and other social networking sites — and all are great fodder for trying to smear a political candidate with children or relatives somewhere in their teens and early 20s.

Schaffer the Younger, in particular, had images loaded into his 'Bumper Sticker' application that expressed a unique brand of conservative Republican humor:
• Suggesting Barack Obama is gay and that he bears an uncanny resemblance to Count Chocula.
• Envisioning Jesus Christ as a gun-toting businessman, draped in the Confederate flag.
• Reveling in the idea that wonders such as the Egyptian pyramids were accomplished through the use of slave labor.
• Advocating motorists work harder to mow down slow children.
• Remind people of how funny Jeff Dunham's horribly racist "dead terrorist" puppet is.

Is no one going to get outraged by the photo of two pieces of halo-adorned crap fornucating (Labeled "Holy f----ing sh-t")? How about the photoshopped image of Barack Obama in Arab garb? Or the animated penis from "South Park"?

While it's a horribly over-used excuse, but kids will be kids. It's just a matter of knowing what is acceptable and what's out of bounds. A bunch of 16-year-olds getting smashed at a kegger and then driving 90 mph in residential areas in between make-out sessions with community college dropouts is something to come down on hard. A bunch of stupid college humor posted on a college student's Facebook profile? It's nothing more than a small piece in a cheap political game being played by people too embroiled in getting someone elected to see what really matters in this world.

Where's Morgan Freeman when you need him?

By the way, how is one to assess this bit of humor from the Adams County Republicans? Better or worse than Schaffer the Younger's Facebook flap?

"Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. My question is: Should I tell her about my son who supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation!"

Read more...

Dem Veepstakes Ver. 3.0: The Shortlist

I'm narrowing down ole Senator Obama's choices to occupy the Naval Observatory and break ties in the Senate. I've ditched the odds because they change too often and I don't want to be made a fool of when another prospective VP declares he/she won't accept the nod:

Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine: White? Check. Virginian? Check. Catholic? Check. Speaks Spanish? Sí. Others need not apply, says the political currents.

Former Sen. John Edwards: Has to refute tabloid rumors if he's to stand a chance.

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson: Friendly, but doesn't help as much as once thought.

Ret. General Wesley Clark: Too close to the Clintons to serve Obama outright?

US Senator Chuck Hagel: Ultimately hinges on if the DNC can live with a GOP VP.

Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius: No. No. No. Really, what did she do for all this buzz other than campaign for Obama? McCain might win Kansas by a bigger margin if she's on the ticket.

US Senator John Kerry: Enough flip flops to outfit every Olympic athlete's foot thrice over.

US Senator Hillary Clinton: Just kidding, Hils. Try to look happy come convention time.

Read more...

God help us

• Morgan Freeman is one tough 71-year-old.

• Tuesday's Aurora Sentinel features a good AP story about how higher gas prices have prompted many people to opt for mass transit for their transportation needs, and how at the same time, transit authorities are cutting back on routes to deal with their own increased fuel spending. Lots of riders, not a lot of buses and trains to get them all where they want to go.

• Rick Reilly has really let himself go since leaving Sports Illustrated. Sure, he waxed familiar in his first column for ESPN the mag, a spiel about learning who his father was through the game of golf. But his subsequent efforts (Golfing with Charles Barkley, comparing Brett Favre to Cher, and making fun of other countries' national anthems) just don't seem to be up to speed with the kind of sports writing that made him his millions hundreds of thousands. Plus, he co-wrote "Leatherheads," and while I didn't see it, it's supposed to be one of those George Clooney movies that suck, like "Batman & Robin" and "Intolerable Cruelty" (Sorry, I just can't bring myself to besmirch a Coen Brothers film).

• Crude is getting cheaper, and the prices at the pump seem to finally be responding to the drop in trading prices we saw back in early July. This only means one thing: Time to stockpile as much fuel as you can while prices are so low, sending a surge of demand into the marketplace and triggering another record-breaking burst in prices.

• "Ernest Hemingway once wrote, 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.' I agree with the second part." <--- I figured this was a much better quote than asking a fat kid if he smokes crack over and over again in "Lean on Me."

Read more...

QB Lemmy brings football back

My inability to care about watching Jim Sorgi lead the Indianapolis Colts versus the second- and third-stringers for the Washington Redskins in the Hall of Fame Game tonight was briefly suspended when remembered half a handful of K-State alums (Rock Cartwright, Kevin Huntley and Rob Jackson) are on the 'Skins' active roster.

Other NFL ponderings I have pondered now that professional football not played in an arena is back on television:

• Shut up, Brett Favre. Yes, you probably could play for the next 10 years to varying degrees of success... but you retired. It's Aaron Rodgers' turn at the helm in Green Bay. Considering Favre has now been reinstated and will eventually show up for camp to take his physical, I hope he gets shipped to Tampa Bay, New York, Minnesota or wherever he's bound as soon as possible. End our long, national nightmare.

• Through this whole Brett Favre fiasco, did anyone notice X-Games 14? I barely did, but only to measure this year's worst wipeout (Danny Way flipping over on the way down in the Big Air) versus one of the best I've ever seen (Jake Brown falling 40-plus feet after hitting a 720 in the same event at X-Games 13).

• I vow to not stop watching any KC Chiefs game after I've started watching it.

• I do not vow to watch any KC Chiefs games this season.

• I cannot wait to see a brand-new slate of completely brilliant and never-overplayed Peyton Manning commercials. Will they give him a full beard this season? Will any of them come near the mastery that is this commercial for AT&T? The answer is out there.

• Can Motorhead possibly sound better than when it's sung by a Japanese cover band? The answer is, "No. It cannot." Sorry Lemmy — time to call an audible.

Read more...

Housekeeping

Do I wish I could have a cool-sounding excuse for not updating the old blog since early July? You bet your horse I do.

No, my computer didn't melt in the summer heat, nor did my desk get blown away during the first few weeks of tropical storm season... And Ryan Seacrest cornered the market on getting bit by a shark during Shark Week.

No, fate conspired to have me continue on with my normal work duties while also taking on 99.999 percent of all my household's duties while my better half recovered from pneumonia over the past few weeks.

But now I vow to make a concerted effort (i.e. it's a slow day with plenty of free time) to catch up on posting here, starting tonight and continuing on through the coming days, weeks and whatever other longer interval of time you can imagine.

Read more...