'Tis the season

The list goes on and on and on...
I woke up at the crack of 8 a.m. on Black Friday, long after all the bargain hunters had stormed various retailers and shopping outlets, fueled by $5 coffee drinks, for $600 plasma TVs and $50 robotic dinosaurs they would haul away in their $40,000 SUVs.
It's been almost a decade since I've braved the early morning crowds for post-Thanksgiving shopping. I don't care to repeat that experience any time soon.
With that said, I have quite a bit of holiday shopping left to do.
Plus, the wife and I still need to settle the "real versus manufactured" debate over this year's Christmas tree.
Then there's the baking, wrapping, merry-making, etc.
Before it's all over, it might get fairly expensive. To recoup these costs, I'm selling the following holiday gift ideas for the rich and famous:
• For Howard K. Stern, the former love interest and attorney to Anna Nicole Smith: A date with Britney Spears.
• For Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve Board: Props for keeping the credit-crunched, China-syndromed economy from completely collapsing.
• For all the 2008 presidential hopefuls: A John Kerry mixtape to help them avoid electoral missteps.
• For Barry Bonds, embattled MLB slugger: Mountains of steroids and cigarettes he can sell to pay protection in prison.
• For Britney Spears: An assortment of wigs, a three-pack of panties and a stack of Dr. Spock books.
• For the MLB seasonal awards voters: A smack across the lips for not a single major honor given to a member of the Colorado Rockies after an unbelievable season and playoff run.
• For the people of Aurora: A water usage rate that makes sense and doesn't bankrupt customers come June and July.
• For Sen. Larry Craig: Posture lessons.
• For the Bush administration: Lots of boxes and packing tape.
• For Bill Clinton: A break from campaigning for Hillary, more time to spend working with old pal George H.W. Bush.
• For everyone else: A library card and a couple of restful hours next to a fire, sipping on the beverage of choice.