The land of Freedumb

The United States of America is no more; until things change, we're the land of Freedumb.

We're not so much a society of civilized beings as we are packs of hyper-sensitive balls of raging self-interest when news like Friday's comes down the wire: A worker is trampled to death by a throng of angery and eager Wal-Mart shoppers as the store opens for day-after-Thanksgiving deals in New York state.

Can we please now do away with the phrase "doorbuster deals"? Some people are starting to take it literally, but such is life in the land of Freedumb.

According to the story, other workers at the Wal-Mart were also stepped upon as they attempted to rescue Jdimytai Damour, a 34-year-old from Queens. People continued shopping. One can only thank one's respective deity that there were no Tickle-Me Elmo's or other must-have gift to fight to the death over, lest the death toll rise higher in suburbia.

When the store was closed to sort everything out, people screamed and cried out against the move. In the land of Freedumb, your sacrifice of standing in line for hours in the dark and cold entitles you to great deals, whatever the circumstances. It's surprising there weren't roving death squads in the line itself, eliminating potential competition for the last few Guitar Hero games. Of course I'm exaggerating, but not much.

Kimberly Cribbs, quoted in the story, had the best one-word explanation of the people involved with this affair: "SAVAGES."

Now capitalism is great. To paraphrase Winston Churchill, it's the worst economic system devised by man, except for all the others... But have the past few months taught us nothing about the effects of uncontrolled economic action by human beings? At the top, the executives will loosen some rules and flaunt the others in the name of revenue generation. At the bottom, the people who couldn't spend about $130 for the Nintendo Wii Fit kit before Thanksgiving are more than happy to wait in line for hours and kill for the chance of putting the discounted $100 version in their shopping carts and making a mad dash to the checkout lanes. How far away are we from all-out warfare in the name of Black Friday? Maybe people would be more orderly and well-behaved if half the store was booby-trapped to dissuade the chaotic, shove-a-stranger behavior that has evolved during the past few decades.

Let this sordid tale serve as reminder that things are not as bad as they can or should be. This isn't a scene out of "The Grapes of Wrath" or some other Depression-era story of people scrapping for food and work. And Rose of Sharon need not breastfeed any starving man as 2008 comes to a close -- all the major fast-food chains are beefing up their value menus to win the business of the credit-strapped masses. Even local barbecue joint Smokey Jackson's can afford to give away free Thanksgiving dinners to all comers -- not just the homeless, jobless or hopeless, but also the gumption-less. Makes me wonder why I spent hours brining and roasting a turkey when Smokey could have done the work for me.

And so help me God, I will be inconsolable if I start hearing about foreclosures surging between January and March as a result of people getting maxed out for the holidays. I'm not suggesting everyone take Christmas off, but if that new GPS unit plays a part in your SUV being repossessed, here's hoping that it works just as well as you walk to and from the bus stop.

Welcome to the land of Freedumb, population 305 million and growing.