'Tis the season

The list goes on and on and on...
I woke up at the crack of 8 a.m. on Black Friday, long after all the bargain hunters had stormed various retailers and shopping outlets, fueled by $5 coffee drinks, for $600 plasma TVs and $50 robotic dinosaurs they would haul away in their $40,000 SUVs.
It's been almost a decade since I've braved the early morning crowds for post-Thanksgiving shopping. I don't care to repeat that experience any time soon.
With that said, I have quite a bit of holiday shopping left to do.
Plus, the wife and I still need to settle the "real versus manufactured" debate over this year's Christmas tree.
Then there's the baking, wrapping, merry-making, etc.
Before it's all over, it might get fairly expensive. To recoup these costs, I'm selling the following holiday gift ideas for the rich and famous:
• For Howard K. Stern, the former love interest and attorney to Anna Nicole Smith: A date with Britney Spears.
• For Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve Board: Props for keeping the credit-crunched, China-syndromed economy from completely collapsing.
• For all the 2008 presidential hopefuls: A John Kerry mixtape to help them avoid electoral missteps.
• For Barry Bonds, embattled MLB slugger: Mountains of steroids and cigarettes he can sell to pay protection in prison.
• For Britney Spears: An assortment of wigs, a three-pack of panties and a stack of Dr. Spock books.
• For the MLB seasonal awards voters: A smack across the lips for not a single major honor given to a member of the Colorado Rockies after an unbelievable season and playoff run.
• For the people of Aurora: A water usage rate that makes sense and doesn't bankrupt customers come June and July.
• For Sen. Larry Craig: Posture lessons.
• For the Bush administration: Lots of boxes and packing tape.
• For Bill Clinton: A break from campaigning for Hillary, more time to spend working with old pal George H.W. Bush.
• For everyone else: A library card and a couple of restful hours next to a fire, sipping on the beverage of choice.

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Ode to 'Vegas and Food'

Inspired in large part by one of my wife's favorite blogs, Vegas and Food, I decided to bust out my camera phone while dining at 4G's on Friday night so that I can share the experience with a lot more people than were initially there. We started with fries topped with vegetarian green chile; I had the carne adovado while my wife had cheese enchilladas drenched in the veggie green chile. We finished the meal with sopapilla a la mode.
I was surprised from the get-go from seeing a sign up front touting the vegetarian green chile... I'm not a vegetarian, and neither is my wife... but the extent of her willingness to dine on little animals is limited to chicken, turkey and other nasty birds. Me? I have no problem with dining on Wilbur.

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Far from the madding crowd

I don't like grocery shopping. I like eating. These two factors often conflict with each other.
But last night, I somehow made the drudgery of acquiring my goods far more enjoyable.
I went shopping at night.
I may just have been the best experience in a grocery store I've ever had.
I'm not what you would call agoraphobic -- I just prefer a well-ordered, well-mannered group of people versus a mass of people awkwardly and randomly bumping into one another while racing around with big metal carts and screaming children. I find that's a good comparison of being at Wal-Mart around midnight versus noon.
By the time I reached the canned goods aisle, I wanted nothing more to sit down right there and meditate... Enjoy the silence. I imagine this is what it's like on the moon, except with a lot more pumpkin pie. My own little Sea of Tranquility, and chick peas are on sale.
It also is heartening to see the people working at the store doing something vital and important, and not being forced to deal with an ever-growing line of normal, everyday Americans turned into a tine-crunched, short-tempered troop of bargain hunters on the verge of madness.
I can't say I find much wrong with Wal-Mart, the idea. The super-chain certainly has its detractors these days, and in some instances their complaints are valid. However, my recent experience there made me nostalgic for more of what I saw: a store and its workers quietly doing their job while consumers politely and patiently strolled the aisles in search of goods.
Find me any grocer that can deliver that between the hours of 12 and 6 p.m. and I'll show you my new favorite place to shop; for now, I may just stick with getting groceries overnight.

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